Acadia Touch Points Blog

Daniel Johnson, Ph.D.
Director of Education, The Acadia Hospital

The recent mass shooting in Arizona was heart wrenching and evoked powerful feelings and reactions in many of us. It can make us all wonder how we might make sense out of situation such as this. Such events tax us on many levels. We may find ourselves emotionally enraged at the loss of innocent lives and outraged that the attack occurred toward a member of congress or a nine year-old girl or a 79 year-old grandmother. We also may re-experience previous losses we had thought were resolved that have been suddenly unearthed and once again tear at our hearts.

All of these reactions are normal and part of our natural stress reactions but nonetheless can be daunting to manage and sort through. Our children, however, are even more vulnerable. Children deal with these events without the benefit of a full range of adult experiences or the advantage of a fully developed brain. Children look to their parents and caregivers to help them process difficult information. We are their templates and we model behaviors and speech that they will adopt, whether that is our intention or not.

Many times I have worked with children and families who were experiencing a crisis and a child was exhibiting an odd behavior or communicating an unusual belief. When this was explored, the child would often refer to a comment or behavior they had observed from a parent as a critical factor. Frequently the child had misinterpreted the parent’s comment or behavior. Here is a key point: children are terrific at observing but are not so good at interpreting what they observe.

If we don’t explain to our children in developmentally appropriate terms what is going on, they will interpret this on their own as best they can; it is all they can do. We need to be very mindful of what we say. This means not only being very careful of what we say and do; but also monitoring what we allow children to be exposed to on TV. Allowing children to see the scenes of a crisis, especially a crisis created by man-made violence, can be damaging and harmful. We need to explain what occurred in terms they can understand and answer their questions honestly but within a framework that contains compassion and respect.

Powerful events such as this become the template for other powerful events. For example, the little girl who was killed in Arizona last Saturday was born on 9-11-01, THE 9-11. Most of us can close our eyes and still see those planes crashing into the towers because those scenes were continuously looped over and over again on the TV. On that day almost 10 years ago, I visited all of the children’s programs in the hospital and we talked about what they would be seeing that evening when they got home or might hear when they were visited by family. We talked about how their parents would probably be watching and talking about these events a lot. I encouraged them to ask questions and let their parents know if they needed to watch something else that was not so upsetting.
We sent a letter home explaining how the parents should try to be careful and to monitor how much of the violent scenes their children were exposed to and how to check in with their children and ask them what they understood in order to clarify misunderstandings and misinterpretations. Several parents said they appreciated some guidance around discussing this topic. I thought I’d share this advice again for those looking for such guidance. Here are my suggestions:

1. Pay attention to what your children are watching, hearing, and learning from the media as well as from your conversations and your behaviors. Ask yourself, “what do I want them to learn from this?’
2. Check their level of understanding and see if they have the basic facts or if there are misinterpretations and correct them immediately. Be as honest as you can but avoid gruesome details that don’t enhance understanding but contribute to their confusion and fear. The level of detail increases with age and developmental level.
3. Ask them to tell you what they understand to have happened. Reassure them that these tragic events are rare and that they are safe. Remind them of locks on doors, the local police force, and other safety practices you have taught them. Restore their confidence in the world.
4. Don’t dodge the “why” questions but answer them as honestly as you can; dependent on your family’s belief system or religious teachings. It is not only okay to say “I don’t know why this man did this” but perhaps the most important thing you can say. There are not many good answers to such questions and better to say this than guess.
5. Be careful about placing stigma against those with mental illness. The vast majority of those with a mental health disorder are not violent and not everyone who is violent has a mental disorder. Remember, you are setting a template that may last a lifetime. I still remember my parents’ reactions when President Kennedy was shot 47 years ago!
6. Only give your children as much information as they need. This means explain a little and then ask for questions. Sometimes they don’t need or want much information and it will depend on their age and developmental level. If they want or need more details, you can tell by how they react or what they say.
7. If your child has experienced previous trauma or significant loss, you can expect them to often regress to a younger developmental level. Don’t be harsh if you see this as it means they are struggling and need your empathy, support, and patience. If they seem to be significantly affected by the old issues, seek some professional help.
8. Be prepared for questions down the road. If you have had an open dialogue and invited your children to come back if they have any more questions or concerns, they will take you up on it and come back again and sometimes many times. That is a good thing! Be patient and answer them as many times as necessary. An 8 year old sees the world differently than a 12 year old so when the 8 year-old turns 12, be prepared to answer the questions that come from a different perspective.

When President Reagan was shot in 1980, I was working as a new kindergarten teacher in California. On the day following the shooting, some kids were talking about it with varying degrees of concern. But one poor child was very silent and visibly upset. When I checked in with him he said “the world’s going to be split in half!” I was dumbfounded. It took some time but I eventually learned that he had overheard his parents say “Reagan had been shot” but he heard a “ray gun had been shot off” and he filled in the rest with his 5 year-old imagination.

Children can and do misinterpret what they see and hear. Our job is to recognize and correct those misunderstanding and lay a foundation for ongoing discussions of these difficult and sometimes unfortunately tragic events. It is not easy but this task remains such an important responsibility of all parents and guardians of children.