Life before recovery was a difficult time. It was a crazy rollercoaster ride of highs and lows that I wanted to get off. Although I wanted to end the ride so desperately, nothing I did seemed to stop it for any length of time.
 
I believe that my addictions began when I was a child watching my father’s drinking and partying. For many years it appeared that he was having a lot of fun with his friends, and this all appeared normal to me at the time. It wasn’t until his partying led to the destruction of my family that I realized the impact alcohol and drug use could have on people’s lives. At this time, I swore that I would never be an alcoholic/addict, but looking back now it is obvious that I was doomed to repeat his mistakes.

Although I had some random alcohol and marijuana use in my late middle school and early high school years, my addictions did not truly begin to take over until my junior year of high school. At this time, my friends and I began hanging out with more people who smoked marijuana, and I became almost instantly infatuated with the high and the camaraderie that went along with buying, selling, and smoking weed. Within the next year of my life, I tried every drug that I could get my hands on including LSD, mushrooms, opium, cocaine, and I also met the drug that would soon begin to take over my life… OxyContin.

Throughout the next few years I began trafficking in all drugs mentioned, and especially marijuana, cocaine, ecstasy, but most of all, OxyContin. I was selling and doing tens of thousands of dollars worth of drugs a week and was just as addicted to the hustler lifestyle as I was the drugs. This drug dealing lifestyle lasted for many years without me having any desire or need to stop, until this led into a downward spiral headed for the total destruction of my life.

During the first few years, I believed I was having the time of my life. I had all the “friends” I could handle.  I was high and making tons of money all the time. But this honeymoon lasted only so long, and it was over the first time I realized that I was physically and psychologically addicted to Opioids!  For the first time, I was forced to go through withdrawals. I tried to convince myself for a while afterwards that I was on top of my game and having a great time, but the rollercoaster ride of chasing the highs and trying like hell to avoid the lows had begun.

During my heaviest use, I tried switching drugs to convince myself that I was not an addict. I switched from Oxy’s to doing ecstasy and smoking cocaine. The addicted mind can pull all kinds of tricks on us, and it had me believing that I was less of an addict because I did not have the physical withdrawals that opiates had given me. Throughout the next few years, I began a massive cross addiction to drug dealing, cocaine, marijuana, ecstasy, ketamine, and, as always, most of all to OxyContin. This is what led me to my breaking point and the destruction of my life.

I was staying up for days on end, doing and selling any and all drugs just to continue my euphoria. Soon thereafter the high of drug dealing began to diminish because I found out that all my so called “friends” were just using me, that when I began using more than what I was selling, they began to disappear… just like the drugs and money were. During this time period all my family relationships were at their breaking point.  My personal relationships and true friends were almost nonexistent, and my life was the definition of insanity. I resented the world and mostly my father, who had co-owned a fine jewelry store that I very much wanted to be a part of as a kid.  He did not hand me what I wanted on a silver platter, and my so-called friends had abandoned me and owed me money… money that I could be using to get high. My life was consumed with hate, anger, resentment, and a lack of any honest and trusting relationships.  I realized that something needed to be different… and that something was me. 

Due to my father’s addictions and attempts at recovery, I knew that counselors were available and people could go to meetings, even though I didn’t know what they were.  I didn’t know what it was about or even if I could do it. When my life became totally unmanageable, I began wanting a drastic change. At the time, I knew many addicts that were getting help through multiple programs including twelve-step, I.O.P (Intensive Outpatient), and Methadone Maintenance Treatment. I was very confused as what would best fit my needs and was in limbo for a while, but then a few friends were doing well on Methadone. 

I was sick and tired of quitting cold turkey, which I had previously done about ten times with no positive outcomes, so I gave methadone a try. My first attempt went very well, and after eight months at The Acadia Hospital Narcotics Treatment Program, I tapered off and left treatment.  I was able to stay clean about four months but soon began hanging out with an old girlfriend and a few old using friends. I relapsed, but only for a couple of weeks when I went directly back into treatment. This time, I stayed on methadone for about four years then completed treatment. This time the results were drastically different… by then I had graduated college with a Bachelor’s Degree and a 3.93 GPA!  In short, treatment works!

When I was dealing drugs, I was only 19 years old but I was making a doctor’s salary… I never wanted to go to college!  I felt there was an easier faster way to make serious money. But when I hit bottom, I realized there had to be a better way. Recovery gave me the opportunity, the courage, confidence, and self-respect to begin an honest and more rewarding life. Recovery has given me so many positive things in the last five years including a degree, familial relationships, true friends, my own safe place to live, and an amazing career as a drug counselor.  I now help people who were just like me, and I know exactly where they are coming from. I feel like my blessings could go on forever.

I maintain my recovery through my work and giving back to others who are in the same situation I was in, and trying to advocate for addicts through BARCC. I am also honest with myself and always know that my addiction is a cunning disease that is waiting for me to mess up. I enjoy the company and support of family, friends, and my girlfriend, and I exercise almost daily.

My advice to those seeking recovery is to take action! Addicts are not used to asking for help and do not want to appear weak to others, especially strangers.  But asking for help is not a sign of weakness… it is a sign of supreme strength. Doing things differently is the core of your recovery. If you continue to do what you have always done you will get the same results you always have. Take the actions necessary to live a productive life in society, whatever that means to you. If you take the actions necessary in changing your addictive behaviors, anything is possible in the future.

As a recovering person, I would like my legacy to be that I was successful at Methadone treatment. I would like it to be known that treatment is an individual journey and that what works for me might not work for you.  But any treatment can work if you put everything you have into it and are willing to make the necessary changes in your life to be successful. I would also like to be known as an honest and trustworthy individual who was more than willing to share his story and message in the hope that it would help others achieve recovery.

Travis