Schizophrenia, or Schizoaffective has its benefits as well as its ability to literally become an alter ego in the snap of a finger. During my whole life I was considered an outsider, outside the outsiders. Like the dwarf star who knew the answers but felt a need to EXPRESS as if he was on a real mission from a figment of his imagination. Confusion sets in and you don’t remember when it hit, and the last thing you want to do is sleep. As for me and my life, I understood the benefits of staying up all night playing video games with my blood brother, because nothing mattered then. Colors, numerology, sacred geometry. It all became real in my world and I would start to discover some truth behind the veils of my soul. It’s just metaphorically feeling the energy/power that feels greater than any feeling a pill or drop of LSD could give me. Therefore I considered it natural and right.
Although my perception was construed, until I saw the way the people treated me in that state. Some wanted to help, some knew I could get better if I just had a place to stay, and others could see that it just wasn’t a feeling they could understand. That or I was just perceiving myself in others. I believe the only way to get past it is to recognize its symptoms early. My way of distracting myself from pain I don’t deserve to feel or act out on is playing in a world that doesn’t actually exist because everything seems to matter if you choose for it to matter. It matters because energy feeds off energy. If someone walks by you and smiles, you can smile inside but when you don’t know who you are, when the schizophrenia hits, that’s probably why they don’t smile because they see something else, not the real you. If you want real friends in this world, get over the fact that the schizophrenia is not you, it’s a figment of the imaginary world of disease. My personal distraction is multi-player online video games, especially when I get to play them with my brothers and friends on teams. Distracting yourself from schizophrenic thoughts is important. If someone ever tells you where you are going, remember that our fate is changeable.”